Recyclers Do It Twice

Spring is fast approaching here in Boston, and you know what that means: Figawi, copious amounts of sangria, and roof deck action (sexual and otherwise), which means less time to be on the hunt for new hookup prospects, and more time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. After what I would like to consider a banner year so far in the bone zone, I am finally looking to stop adding notches on my belt. No, I'm not settling down, but instead, recycling. Going green isn't just about plastic and paper, people. It's about your dignity, keeping your number down, and hooking up with a guy who already knows what you like, so you don't have to go through that awkward stage where you tell him you like your hair pulled and you get a confused look in return. What? So I like it when you're rough! Sue me. 

Not much beats a recycled romp. You already know the best morning after routes to avoid any walk of shame mishaps. He knows how to get you off. (And dear God, if he doesn't, why on Earth are you going back for more?) And, most importantly, it's an ego boost. If a guy is asking for Round 2, or in my case Round 5, you must be doing something right. Now, do I think any of these recycled goods have boyfriend potential? Sure I do, but I'm not necessarily going to act on it. Why ruin a good rotation? There's something so empowering about being in control of your sex life. If you want to get laid with the 6'6 basketball player who makes you feel like a rag doll, do it. The guy with the tongue that runs on Energizer batteries just texted you; send him a reply. Feel like cuddling? Hell yeah, I'm going to hit up my little black book; I have a snuggler in there some where!

I don't understand why more women don't take control of their sack session schedules. 9 times out of 10, if you aren't getting laid, you are no fun to be around. Your estrogen levels are too high for your own good, and you're overly emotional ass is pounding Ben & Jerry's as opposed to Hottie McScottie from two months ago. So he didn't text you back that one time. Build a bridge and get over it! Or as my man, Tupac, puts it: "Just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." Twenty bucks says he's still willing to ride you like The Cyclone at Coney Island a few more times. Men aren't the only ones with carnal needs that have to be satisfied, which makes it important to master your inner recycling powers so you can get in, get off, and get the hell out of there.

Even Ryan Gosling knows recycling is good for you.

To be clear, if you haven't caught on already, this is not relationship advice. This is purely for your sanity. I know too many good girls who have been ruined by a dry spell. Take this as a public service announcement and don't let that be you! There has got to be a stud in your arsenal that you can work into your 'green-routine". So, support recylcing, and wear the same clothes as you did last night. What? I never said it was going to be pretty...

'Til next time,
A Babe In Boston

The Math of Getting a Second Date

First dates are hard. The date starts and ends with questions. Where should we go? What should we do? Should I drink? What if I hate the guy half way through? Should I then drink heavily? If I end up liking him, what are the expectations at the end of the night? In the past few weeks, I've asked these questions way too many times. And once I'm on the date, I feel like I'm reciting Ben Affleck's Oscar acceptance speech, just trying to get in all the information about me in a couple of short hours to convince the guy that I'm hot shit. As awesome as I know I am, there's still some groundwork that has to be laid down in order to get to that all important second date. With that said, I have come up with what I think is a pretty simple formula to help take you to the next level:

(Conversation + Chemistry + Humor)

                  ---------------------------------- =   A Second Date

(Drinks)^3

For those that are not mathematically inclined, it bascially means: If conversation paired with chemistry and a little humor (primarily in the form of sarcasm) exists,  over three or so drinks (most likely sauvignon blanc), there is going to be a second date. Why? Because I said so. After 10 first dates in the past three weeks, this has worked every time. Just trust me on this one. There are also other mitigating factors, for example, how physical you are with a guy. Which leads me to the second most important equation:

First date + Sex = No Second Date

As much as you want to tell yourself that he really likes you, and just wanted to express how he was feeling, you're wrong. The guy just wanted to get into your pants. Sleeping with a guy on the first date is second date suicide. You might as well have not gone through the whole conversation asking about his family, hopes, and dreams. What a waste of time!!! If you just want to get laid, go to a bar with your girlfriends and hit on anything with a penis. Trust me, 9 times out of 10, you'll hit a home run. If you're looking for something more than that, keep your legs closed. Simple as that. Think you can generate a relationship out of a one night stand? Keep dreaming sister; the faster a relationship starts, the quicker it ends. That guy will be running out of there the next morning faster than you can ask him "So what are you doing later?"

Should have kept your legs closed...

So, you made it through the date and back home without putting out? Congratulations. But, you're only half way there. Now, the key is to keep him interested. And unfortunately, there's no equation to make you any more awesome, so rock what you've got. 

After reading this, some of you might be asking... "So wait, you're actually trying to keep a guy's attention longer than it takes to make you to orgasm a few times?" Damn right I am! After about 8 months of the single life, the charade gets old. I can only go to so many events with my engaged/married friends before I start rethinking my decision to acquire yet another FWB. Am I regretting the sex? Absolutely not. But am I slightly regretting the fact that I blew off another potential Mr. Right for a guaranteed hookup? Yup. There comes a point where a woman has to stop thinking with her g-spot, and for me, the time is now.