How Did I Manage to Piss of the Roommate Gods This Bad?

Sundays are supposed to be relaxing and full of awesome things like brunch, maybe some gym time, football, and just lounging around the apartment with no obligation to look good for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, the awful roommate saga continues, and I am not as lucky as most of you. The roommate gods are pissed at me for sexiling my freshman roommate all of those years ago, and they just now have decided to take revenge in the form of two 24 year old nightmares.

One Sunday, I woke up and stepped on a vodka gummy bear that was stuck to the floor right outside my bedroom door. When I turned the corner they were plastered all over the walls, on the couch, and down the stairs to our front door. Was there some sort of vodka gummy bear dodgeball tournament I wasn't aware of? My favorite socks have never been the same. On another, I was woken up by the sound of my hungover roommate vomming in the bathroom. Apparently, she's allergic to alcohol (or something), and always gets really awful hangovers. But, she says getting blacked out the night before is totally worth it. Can we say, priority clusterfuck? And on the most recent, I was bombarded by text messages at 3AM from the people who live downstairs saying that it was too loud the night before. Lucky for me, I'm never there, and I can reply with a "Sorry to hear that, here's their numbers so you can call them next time..." Because, let's be very clear, I am no one's babysitter.

In an effort to confront them about it, they simply replied, "And what do you want us to do about it?" I'm sorry, are you twelve? Be an adult and go make peace before they have us all evicted!

Even during the week, tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum manage to push my buttons. Just the other day I was doing their dishes (because they had been in the sink for four days), and I put something away on the middle shelf. No less than an hour later, roomzilla is bitching and moaning that the bowl is too high for her to reach, and I should really think about her next time I'm putting the (read:their) dishes away. COME ON! Really? You can't think of anything better to complain about? You mean the smell of my hairspray isn't bothering you today? Are you sure the time I decide to watch TV isn't too inconvenient for you? Is the fact that I don't want any of your friends using my nice wine glasses still too stuck up for you? (Even after you have broken 4 of them?) [Insert a string of offensive expletives here]

Evidence

The worst part is, they don't even compensate their horrible attitude with making an effort to look good. Yet, they still get laid! As much as I love to see Tad, the chubby regular from Stadium or Stats taking a piss in the bathroom at 10AM, I'd prefer if you kick these winners out of bed before nature hits me up in the morning. What do these guys (mind you, they aren't that great) see in these girls? They have the same dress from H&M in ten colors and it doesn't even look good on them. Their idea of putting make up on would make a prostitute from Roxbury chuckle. Their topics of conversation range from the subtle differences between Bud Light and Keystone to what emoji should they be using in the group text with so-and-so. I know, heavy stuff. On top of all of that, their voices are so annoying, I think Fran Drescher would want to slap them.

Seriously, what is the world coming too where this is acceptable, let alone screwable?

Alright roommate gods, I get it! Lesson learned. I will never again agree to live with roommates who I met on Craigslist. I really am sorry for those sexiling incidents in college. Can't you just forgive me already and show me how to get out of my lease? Or at least send me a subletter. Please? (On that note, is anyone looking for a room to rent in Southie?... Just kidding.)

Til next time,

A Babe In Boston

P.S. Pardon my bitch fest.